Confessions #5

Hi,

Apparently, I'm teasing myself.

Months ago, my Mom felt that I was actually going to get married and have children. I believe her in principle. However, I see little of how I'm actually going to have a happy marriage with the usual Latter-Day Saint woman. I've changed so much that I felt that I can't have a marriage without a dimension of nudism, naturism, or skinnydipping in it.
The last LDS girl I've dated hated nudity, she thought that the body was ugly, and a wicked thing.

That was before I was talking seriously about getting together with another woman, with two kids as part of the package. She hated nudity, but worse of all, she couldn't see how our relationship would work, so she broke up with me. Then I met a girl through the same medium: WoW.

She's a full nudist, 19, and probably has an attractive body. I'll never know since she quit WoW; good for her. Really. So I left my email address with her brother -- who is trying to prevent us from communicating. He believes that on-line relationships eventually end up in heart break.

I told him that I've been proven wrong thrice, meaning I also believed such. Three of my cousins met their mates through on-line relationships. Daniel, Melinda, and Angie (last names removed). Daniel got married and has a happy relationship with his wife, even though a terrible car crash took his life. Melinda met Andreas (whomever) through Everquest. She flew to Norway to marry and be with him. Angie met Mojosam (the guy's real name I do not know) on WoW, and she recently moved in and is currently co-habitating with him.

(if you are going to demonize her in your heart, please stop now. I've been communicating with her enough to know that she and Mojosam happy with the arrangement. )

With this last girl, I think I messed up big time. I never fully intended to do anything; just have fun and act out the fantasy of being a nudist. However, I desire to be with this girl. She's fully the manifestation of my desires, and I desire to communicate with her more thoroughly.

However, it is clear to me that a normal, dyed in the Wool, LDS marriage with the regular LDS girl from Utah is probably going to cause a problem. I can't be with a woman who thinks her body and my body are ugly; and that nudity is only for sex. It's not going to happen. The marriage will have an element of lust built into it (since she won't want to see me without the temple garment, often). If she's hardnosed, she may complain about my nudism to the Bishop, which could cause a complication.

I can't have a normal, dyed in the wool -- I'm the bishop's or relief society President's daughter -- LDS marriage. I am not Peter Priesthood. I never can be. I never wanted to be cookie cut in that role. I just wanted to be myself.

Confessions of an LDS Free-thinker (3)

This is the third of my confessions. I think. Lately, one of the things I have been wrestling with is the meaning of the words sustain and emulate. This is simply because my Bishop of my Church congregation (called a ward) has been giving me some grief over what sustain and emulate actually mean. As a free thinker, I'm an agent unto myself and I am capable of creating as God does. Same as any other human on the planet.

However, in my quest to learn more, I am frustrated by my Bishop's understanding of what it means to support the Leaders of the Church. I support the leaders of the Church, I really do, but as far I understand things, my support can go only so far as sustain is defined. However, my bishop is only interested in "sustaining" the Leaders as so far as emulating them as examples of how we aught to live our lives. And this gives me a headache since I do not believe in blind obedience.

sustain

Transitive Verb.
Pronunciation: \sə-ˈstān\

Function: transitive verb

Etymology:

Middle English sustenen, from Anglo-French sustein-, stem of sustenir, from Latin sustinēre to hold up, sustain, from sub-, sus- up + tenēre to hold — more at sub-, thin

Date:

13th century

1: to give support or relief to
2: to supply with sustenance : nourish
3: keep up, prolong
4: to support the weight of : prop; also : to carry or withstand (a weight or pressure)
5: to buoy up <sustained by hope>
6 a: to bear up under b: suffer, undergo <sustained heavy losses>
7 a: to support as true, legal, or just b: to allow or admit as valid sustained the motion>
8: to support by adequate proof : confirm sustains our contention>

Now, emulate.

emulate

Pronunciation:

\ˈem-yə-ˌlāt, -yü-\

Function:

transitive verb

Inflected Form(s):

em·u·lat·ed; em·u·lat·ing

Etymology:

Latin aemulatus, past participle of aemulari, from aemulus rivaling

Date:

1582

1 a: to strive to equal or excel b: imitate; especially : to imitate by means of an emulator
2: to equal or approach equality with

So, are we supposed to bear up our leaders, to buoy them up, and to support them as legal and just? Or are we suposed to imitate them? Really, I have no idea at what my bishop is trying to get at. If it is the former, I do that wholeheartedly. The latter, I'm not to sure about. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are taught that Jesus' life is our example, and that Jesus is our exemplar. Jesus is the Master of all the masters; His teachings supercede Buddha's, Lao Tzu's, Confucius', Moses', and Joseph Smith's. These other masters all complement their Master in their teachings on how a person can reach his or her fullest potential. So, why is emulating President Hinckley more important than living the Life of Jesus? I have no idea; but I'm beginning to feel that I'm being pulled this way and that way with my relationship to my bishop.

Confessions of an LDS Free Thinker (1)

I am a Free Thinker, I can not get away from this fact. I think freely and wonderfully. I can come up with all sorts of thoughts from the material I digested. Free thinking led me to a prayer that saved me from a lifetime of Porn Addiction. Free thinking led me to believe in the Spirit in a way not many people thought possible. Free thinking led me to a better understanding of the Law of Christ, and that Christ can forgive sins and not judge us.

That being said, my other confession is that I'm in love with a woman who I have known since 1st Grade (I think, probably Kindergarten). Unlike others, confessing this love out in the open connects me to my love in a way many virgin lovers felt but did not understand. The sad thing is, my love for her is unreciprocated in the physical sense. What is she like?

The last time I saw her, she was blonde and had a crimpy hair style to simulate curling. Her skin is the most beautiful shade of white and pink. She had the bluest eyes, like great cerulean sapphires that I could get lost in for hours. She had the straightest nose, and teeth as white as new elephant tusks.

She is the most attractive girl in the Graduating Class of 1993 of Cyprus High School. God, she's beautiful. I hope by now she realizes by how much she is. After all she just glows with a radiance that surpasses everyone else. She has a next door girl quality about her, and she became fully attractive to me. As of late, I tried to look her up on the Reunion site and . . . I ran into bit of a problem. I can't afford the detective fees to find out where she currently lives and her phone number and so forth. But I love her very much, and I know every time I exclaim my love for her she instantly reacts. After all, it's her face that I want to wake up to every morning, and her naked body that I desire to hold close to mine. And it's her that I desire to share my love with, and I love to have her share her love for me with me.

Why am I writing out my feelings? Well, it's more of a therapuetic move. Like this LDS blogger said:

And yet I continue to type away, at least partly, because I'm having difficulty finding a new counselor/therapist and I like the idea (mentioned in the blog I stumbled into) of blogging as a form of narrative therapy.

My therapy is not to pine away for my love, but to deal with my unrequited love. I'll continue to express my desire to reunite with her, date her, and marry her. It's a righteous desire, I know it; and I'm finally the man she really wants inside.

So, there you have it. A virgin LDS free-thinker in love with the woman of his dreams who is saving himself for her. After all, she deserves the best, and I am the best.